SAN DIEGO -- (Dec. 25, 1996) Crack In The Box(R) today launched its latest marketing campaign with the introduction of official Crack-wear. The line of drug use and dealing accessories has already shown impressive sales in downtown areas, and Northwood's next move is expected to be a shift into the suburbs.

When asked what made him think that people would want crack-related items, Crack, President and CEO of Crack In The Box, had this to say. "There has always been a demand for name brands in the consumer market. I'm just giving the people what they have shown they desire time and again."

This impressive line of items grows daily. Below is a listing of the items to date.

Just in time for decorating the tree or stuffing stockings, Crack In The Box(R) restaurants today launched its latest promotional premium, the Crack Snowman. Created in the likeness of company founder 'Crack,' Crack Snowman wears his signature tattered yellow hat, crinkled nose and perpetual grimace, along with a green scarf around his neck to hide just a few more rocks of snow.

Available for a very limited time at all Crack In The Box restaurants, Crack Snowman is made of pressed and impacted Colombian cocaine. A rare import!

"While not a toy for children, Crack Snowman appeals to a broad group of people," said Sody Jawyer, the company's promotions manager/spin doctor.

It's back!
Due to popular demand, one of Crack In The Box(R) restaurants' most successful promotions is back, the Crack Antenna Ball has returned. Created in the image of Crack, the chain's founder, the antenna topper is a 3-D white ball with Crack's trademark demonic, child frightening clown-visage. Best of all, it is secretly hollow, which means, of course, "you can put you weed in here, man." Or in our case, crack.

The Official Crack Freebase Spoon! That's right, now you can burn and inhale with the comforting face of Ol' Crakio right on your spoon. Show it at you local Crack In The Box for a discounted price on junior size cocaine baggies.

Here it is, because you demanded it! The Official Crack Freebase Kit! The kit includes the Official Crack Freebase Spoon, your first bag of coke, and, (not shown,) a lighter and a lovely non-descript carrying bag. Get one while supplies last!

The prefered high for the real man or butch woman. That's right -- why smoke or snort, when you can inject, especially now with Crack smiling at you from right above your aching, desperately yearning vein or artery. A lovely complement to the Freebase kit for the serious junkie.

They said we were crazy, but we're gonna try it anyway. Here it is -- Crack: Music for the people. This lovely compilation of music has chart toppers from The Crackson 5, the Stoned Temple Pilots, Luscious Crack-son, ben folds crack, Cracker, the Crackberries, and Weird "Al" Crackovich. Sure to sell out. Great stocking stuffer!

So you wanna work for Crack In The Box? Well, you gotta have the gear, bust a few heads, then we'll think about it.

The Crack .9mm Shoot 'em in style.

For those of you who prefer more classic weaponry when shooting rival dealers, pick the Crackinger. Small, compact, and easily hidden. But still very deadly. Only from Crack In The Box.

On a budget? Well why shoot 'em, when you can cut them just as easily with the Official Crack Junkie Cutter. Junkie hassling you for their next fix, but they don't have any money? Stab 'em a few times in the arm. They'll back off. Custom crafted by our technicians just for Crack In The Box.

The final, and perhaps most important part of the wardrobe -- the Official Crack Beeper. We're in touch. So you be in touch.